DEALING WITH GRIEF

For this blog post we were given two optional topics to write on. However, we did have a third option if we felt we were being called to write on grief. And well I felt God calling on my heart to write on grief. Writing a blog on this topic will be difficult yet relieving at the same time. Two months ago I lost one of my best friends to suicide. Unexpected and unannounced. He was all around an amazing person. Before I begin writing on how I feel, I believe it is necessary for me to tell you what kind of a person he was. TJ Miller was an all star in everything that he did. He was the star quarterback, varsity baseball, varsity basketball, won homecoming every year, honor student, and involved in student government. Even though he excelled at everything he did, we didn't become friends that way. I fell in love with his personality and love for Jesus. He was such a caring spirit. One of my favorite things about him was that he made sure to make everyone feel important, no matter who you were or where you came from. We would attend church together and when we would do worship he would tell me to singer louder and lift my hands higher.

I have lost loved ones before but never this way. This is one of the hardest deaths I have ever endured. Dealing with this grief is a daily battle. Little things remind me of him everyday, and I do have times where I start crying unexpectedly. The biggest challenge I have realized with my personal grief are the unanswered questions I have with TJ. There are so many questions I wish I could ask him, "If I was a good friend to him? Why? Did you enjoy your life?". None of those questions matter though. All that matters is that God knows the reason and he is at peace with the Lord.

Yesterday TJ would have been 20, I celebrated his birth like I would have any other year. This year myself and many other loved ones of his, went on a walk to Mt. Rubidoux and released balloons with notes to him. It was such a nice way to continue to heal together. Dealing with grief can be just reminiscing on memories with friends, talking about it, working out the frustration, or running to Christ. I will continue to deal with my grief with the help of loved ones and of course running to Christ with my worries and heartache.

Love you Tj Miller. Happy 20th Birthday.